Monday, March 09, 2009


"How’re you doing mate? Feeling a bit better today?" my boss tenderly asks down the phone.
"A bit worse actually. Making the most of my day off to do sod all."
"Fair play. Having some soup and watching Loose Women?"
"Erm, of sorts," I say, guiltily closing my laptop.
"Anyway, I need you in tomorrow. I’ll pay you double time."
"Well. I’m not sure. I might be feeling worse still, so maybe I should just take my day…"
"Look diddums," my boss snarls. "I need you here. Lemsip, embalmed tissues, Vics fucking Vapour rub. This is what those sorts of things were made for."
"Er, I think you mean balsam."
"Yeah yeah, University boy. Some of use were working whilst you were getting stoned, eating noodles, and reading dictionaries. I’ve got to get this job done, and I’m doing you a favour by offering you the work. It’ll be great. You can wear jeans, no need to iron a shirt, go to the pub afterwards."
"It sounds a little like I’m doing you the favour," I point out. "And I can do all those things on my day off anyway."
"Right, you’re kind of pissing me off to be honest with you. Really pissing me off. Look, I can be at Head Office in twenty minutes. I’ll meet you in the Dojo and we can sort this out there."
"No, no, it’s okay," I say. "You’re hardly the Techno Viking, but I’m in no mood to go into battle with you. I’ll be there."
"Great. 7am start," he says, hanging up before I can protest.

"Fucking hell mate, what’s wrong with you?" My boss asks, waltzing in.
"The problem," I mutter. "With spending the day in bed, is it’s then awfully hard to get to sleep at night. I was laying there for hours last night. I think I got three hours in the end."
"Three hours sleep? But what time did you get up yesterday?"
"Um, about ten."
"Well, it’s eight now, so less than twenty four hours ago you were in bed, and you’ve slept since. You need to toughen up. What happens when something big kicks off here? How will you cope with a thirty hour day?"
"I dare say with hallucinations and catastrophic errors," I concede, loading everyone’s mugs onto the tea tray. "I’ve only ever once stayed up all night and then powered all the way through to bedtime the next night. And that ended with me striking a friend across the temple with a giant Jenga brick in a pub and then sleeping with someone, both of which I had to be told about the next day."
"God," says my boss, rubbing his hands together. "I hope we get a thirty hour day soon."


Brennig said...

Yep, I'm with your boss on this one! I'd love to hear those anecdotes. :)

C said...

im intrigued what job you do

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Oh dear. MAN in MAN FLU SHOCK!


Huw said...

I never said the flu word!

Jess Townsend said...

Your boss is a cunt.