Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I Hate People

One of the things that I have truly come to hate is the proliferation in the last year or so of mobile phones which allow their users to play music without using headphones. Well, actually my phone does that, so, to be more specific, I hate the discourteous defectives who use them on public transport. I’d love to know which rocket scientist thought it would be nice to make such technology available to the generally-moronic public. We would have words. And these spotty pricks who use them (they are nearly always spotty. Or at least greasy) are never playing any of the sort of music I wouldn’t mind being unwittingly bombarded with after a day at work; no Carole King, no Tchaikovsky, no Lemonjelly, not even any Mike Oldfield. How they can bring themselves to advertise their liking for the frankly abysmal music they do favour I don’t know; I would keep that sort of thing secret. Alas, there’s nothing to be done: people who think little of disturbing and disrespecting their fellow human beings in such a way are often the one and same people who think little of stamping on people’s heads until brain matter oozes from their victims’ ears. And they often seem to be in packs. Sometimes I think about reading my book out loud to them, but I am not brave enough.

Sometimes though, the nature of their pack mentality means they outstupid themselves. A group with multiple phones are often too vain and self-important to bring themselves to elect a sole phone to provide their dubious entertainment, and will all simultaneously brandish their shitty-music playing toys, resulting in an obsolete cacophony of noise being emitted is even more indistinct and unlistenable than usual, even for them.

I was reminded of this last Friday. I had stayed at work late, and was waiting for my bus having got back to Croydon. A rabble of Stella-swilling fifteen-year-olds shared the bus shelter with me, breaking off from the mini-concert they were treating me to make multiple phone calls to clarify where they were supposedly headed.
“Somewhere, a houseparty is happening,” I sleuthed to myself.
The normally deserted 20.30 bus was absolutely packed with spotty teenagers (or at least greasy teenagers. The girls’ grease and spots were covered with a good half inch of foundation, but I could tell it was there. The windows were fogged with condensed sebum), all clearly on the way to this party, forcing me to stand by the door next to the driver. There must have been about fifty kids, and perhaps as many as twenty mobile phones all competing to provide the musical accompaniment to this shrieking collective. There was however an indignant and frustrated feeling in the air, because it wasn’t just me who stood at the front of the bus. Two police officers had also boarded, and stood with a smug air which said “we might not know where you are going, but we are happy to just follow you”.
“The Police are fucking wankers, the police are fucking wankers, la la la la, oi! La la la la, oi!” chanted some of the braver boys, but the song died on their lips whenever the officers looked in their direction, bravado being outweighed by the thought of the police telling your mum you’d been using swear words I suppose.

14 comments:

AnonymousCoworker said...

Don't blame the scientists. It's just that they didn't consult the psychologists and sociologists before creating such a socially disastrous device.

Curly said...

Someone who I may or may not live with prefers to play music on their phone over listening to a CD or radio. The tinny sound is nothing like music to my ears.

PLEASE read your book out loud? That's hilarious.

Monica said...

Oh right it's always the scientists fault, innut?

Huw said...

I didn't mean scientists per se. I meant Rocket Scientist in the sense of a "really" smart person (i.e. not smart).

Mary said...

I don't have the problem with music being played on the cell on my train, but I do have a problem with the LOUD conversations that I do not need to hear - "... and you should have seen the diarrhea."

Ugh. I'll take the "music". Thanks.

Me Over Here said...

Sometimes I wish that we depended on public transportation more than we do so I could experience a few of these situations first hand. Although, witnessing the "WANNA SMELL ME BALLS? GO ON, SMELL 'EM! I'LL GIVE YOU THIS WAD FROM ME PANTS TO SMOKE IF YA DO" drama will probably last me a good 2 years (or until June...).

Tim-tambolini said...

I kind of like the idea of you reading your book outloud on the bus...I think it would be funny.

Chris said...

I actually sat next to someone who was reading aloud on public transport. It was a foreign country and no-one else on the bus except me and this aussie guy spoke a word of english, and yet this aussie guy pulled out Bridget Jones's Diary and began to whisper it out loud as he traced along each line with a finger. Oh and it was the middle of the night as well. Deeply strange and immensely distracting.

Will said...

What a coincidence - I interviewed a rocket scientist today. He was pretty smart.

Chris Cope said...

Ah, yes, the Chav Soundtrack. It's very popular in these parts.

Huw said...

Hmmm, the reading the book thing seems quite popular. But I don't want to waste my book on them; I like my book, and I won't be able to pay attention to it if I'm watching out for reprisals. Maybe the newspaper instead.

becca said...

i work near dirtbag college and there are frequently little eeejits wandering around, each with their own ugly music playing in a cacophany of vileness that symbolises all that is wrong with the world and although i agree with freedom of expression and all that jazz, i would dearly love to exercise my right of freedom of expression and stick their offensive noise makers right up their arse.

qtn: why do all these kids with shit phones feel the need to spit everywhere? little hoooooooooligans.

end rant

fwengebola said...

It would actually be quite pleasant to hear "All the ducks are swimming in the water" from one of the little bastards' nokias.

But no. Tinny rap. Always.

Anonymous said...

I was stuck on a delayed train going nowhere for a hour once with a man having a loud telephone conversation on SPEAKERPHONE. That is possibly the most annoying thing ever. The worst part....he was talking foreign so I didn't even know what he was saying.

Grr.

Dancinfairy