Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Engine No.9

I have recently been put on a course of a drug of the sort which comes with a lengthy list of side-effects. The sort of lengthy list which means the drugs arrive with a weighty tome which takes up the majority of the packaging detailing all the perturbing things you might notice happening to your body. One of my potential side-effects is going into anaphylactic shock. One of the ways I can tell if this is happening, according to my list, is that I will, and I kid you not, experience "a sensation of impending doom".

Should I find myself in such a situation, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It comes in the form of the Anapen® I have been given; a cylindrical plastic tube which, when pressed against the skin, will deliver a significant dose of pure adrenaline at the touch of a button.

I go to the hospital to be issued with my Bond-like gadget. The nurse demonstrates how to operate one.

"Now, you just need to push it against a muscle mass, like the thigh," she illustrates on herself. "Don't worry, it can easily go through your jeans, and then you just press the button, like this."
I blink, and frown. I inspect her face. Not a twitch.
"Just like that?"
"Yes," she says with a nod.
"Then why," I ask, slightly confused, "didn't anything just happen to you?"
"What?" she asks, seemingly mirroring my confusion.
"When you just pressed the button, why didn't you get a shot of adrenaline?"
"Well," she says slowly, "because as you can see, this one doesn't have a needle loaded."
"Oh, it needs a needle!" I exclaim, things becoming somewhat clearer.
"Yes, that's right," she nods, failing to hide her amusement. "Huw, you didn't think in order to get a shot of epinephrine in your body it was merely a case of pressing a plastic tube against your jeans did you?"
"What?" I cry incredulously, laughing at such a silly notion. "Oh no no no."

I blush furiously and resolve to watch less Star Trek. Damn you Beverly Crusher!

8 comments:

Laura said...

LAUGH OUT LOUD!! Because I just did. You are hilarious.

Me Over Here said...

It's just nice to know that you don't always have to be the "smart one" in this relationship, although anyone could have drawn the same conclusion you did.

Jona said...

Well I laughed my socks off, and insisted on reading this post to my BH! Unfortuately he isn't a fan of Star Trek, and instead of giggling madly, agrees you should turn off the TV ;o)

Cleavers said...

Easy done, mate, easy done. But wouldn't it be great if such a thing did exist? Maybe you should get the patent registered now?

surly girl said...

actually, you could have loftily said "oh, it's just that it looks like the non-invasive insulin pen my father uses", as there is such a thing.

or did i dream it?

surly girl said...

i mean there is such a thing generally, i am not presuming to know anything about your father or his medical history...

oh god. you're going to tell me he's dead, aren't you?

Matt said...

Bloody marvellous. Last summer I remember working with kids who walked round with these cracking epipens. They looked surprisingly fun, even though they were only for life threatening emergencies. It was almost tempting to let one of the kids get stung by a bee just so we could apply it...

Pure evil.

Rob said...

"a sensation of impending doom".

I get that every time I get on the number 43 bus.

Maybe I'm allergic.