Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Sounding Me Out

Thanks to a recent outbreak of the norovirus, there is an eerily quiet feel as I enter the hospital. Signs discourage any non-essential visits, but I have an appointment card which requests that I am not late and the card seems more stern than the signs, so I continue inside.

Soon afterwards, I am flat on my back having jelly smeared on my tummy.
“Sorry if the jelly is a bit cold,” says the radiologist.
“It’s fine!” I say shrilly.
The jelly is pre-heated for private patients only, I presume.

After a while I notice the radiologist pursing her lips and furrowing her brow, neither of which are Good Things to notice during an ultrasound. I am a good patient though, so don’t want to disturb her. Instead I crane my neck and try and get a glimpse of the screen. I soon realise though that my absence of years of medical training renders this approach pretty futile.
“Well,” speaks the radiologist, “the good news is you’re not pregnant.”
“Oh thank goodness,” I gasp, relieved.
“But,” she asks, that confused frown reappearing as she scans over my notes, “have you had your gall bladder removed? I’m having trouble finding it.”
I know fully well that I haven’t, but, not wanting to appear dismissive, I take a moment to convey the look of a man casting his mind back over any major operations he may have forgotten, before answering no.
“Well,” she says, “have you had anything to eat today?”
My stomach lets out an indignant rumble at this accusation. The radiologist nods in deference.

We resume scanning to find my elusive gall bladder, and after a round of unsuccessful attempts with me having been manoeuvred into a variety of yoga crab-like positions and instructed to suck in or exhale my breath, it eventually turns up after the radiologist resorts to ultrasounding my back.

I am glad. I wouldn’t want to be missing out on any bile.

*********************************************************

If only I'd heard about this sooner...

9 comments:

Chris said...

I saw people buying cheapy things like that last night in Tesco. All that was left was bargain basement chocolates and the tackiest cards. They all had the terrified faces of men who knew they weren't going to have sex for a week.

On another note, just finished the first of the film recommendations and thankyou Huw, Capricorn One was immensely enjoyable and very wink, nudge conspiratorial.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Was your heart shaped like a heart, or more like a gallstone?

(Happy Gallstone Day, Lanette)

Lindsey said...

I think you got the radiologist who barely passed her classes.

Ivy the Goober said...

I wish you were pregnant. Then we could all name the baby like we did John Pee (or whatever his name turned out to be) Happy Valentine's day to you and your sweetie!

Rob said...

They always apologise for the coldness of their unguents I've found.

I'm convinced they keep them in a fridge, but they always deny it.

Jona said...

I've had that gell warmed up! Only the once, out of many visits mind. And it wasn't as good as you'd think. Kind of an odd sensation, warm and wet for a second, with rapidly cooling edges.

So glad they confirmed you have a gall bladder, hope the rest of you is there too ;o)

Me Over Here said...

At least they didn't make you drink 32 ounces of water in the hour before your appointment so your tummy would be full, then have you WAIT another hour because they were backed up, causing you to cry uncontrollably because you have to pee so bad, forcing a really nice woman patient in the waiting room to go up to the nurse's station and advocate FOR you because you can't move due to the pain, just to have some dumbass nurse tell you you can just "go a little" in the bathroom and THEN have the lady press on your tummy with the ultrasound thing once you threaten to just pee right there in the middle of their waiting room floor.

(Thanks, Mr. Hoss. He even found a card with a gallstone on it. Very romantic!)

AnonymousCoworker said...

Thank goodness you're not pregnant! There was no way that would have been my baby anyway.

josephknecht said...

'Ah, THAT'S the gall bladder. All clear now.'

Fucking terrifying.