Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Call security: there are children loose in the building

I am hungover, I am sat at my desk in a slight haze, I am hearing an unfamiliar sound.

It sounds like running and laughter. Very rapid footfalls and quite high pitched breathless laughter.

Stealthily, I move to my office door to investigate.

There are children in the building. Children using the corridor outside my office as some sort of race track.

As I ponder this turn of events, they reach the end of the corridor and turn around to begin their charging all over again. In doing so, they look up and see me. I duck back into the office: watching children play can land a man with an unwanted reputation. I quickly sit back at my desk and adopt a man-at-work pose.

A girl, approximately 2-and-a half feet tall, peers round my door and giggles. She appears to have trouble speaking.
"Grraah Ba Ba!" she laughs at me.
A slightly taller child bursts in behind her, decked out as Spiderman, minus the mask.
“RAAAAAAAAAA!” he yells, arms raised aloft.

I seem to have caught their attention. I try to nod amiably hoping that this will satisfy them, but they seem to take it as an invitation to enter. They clamber onto a vacant spinning chair, and watch me.

Confused, I cast around for something to offer them in return for them perhaps leaving me alone. There is a jar of colourful Temazepam placebos sitting on my desk, but somehow I think not. My defence of “God, it’s not as if they were real” probably won’t wash. There is also a squidgy model brain. There’s no way they’re getting their hands on that bad-boy though: it’s mine.

A further person enters my office. A significantly taller one though.

“Oh here they are,” she says, “Sorry about this. It’s just the schools have broken up now so I’ve had to bring them in. They’re okay here though, aren’t they?”

And with that she turns and leaves. The children continue to watch me.

I reassure myself that soon enough I will be left alone. I can wait these two out. Children have small minds: they will get bored soon.

I am still waiting.

16 comments:

Dancinfairy said...

Tell them that you are going to play hide and seek with them - thell them to go hide and then don't seek. It'll be a while before they come back!

emaleejayne said...

Wednesdays must be hangover days.

I'm tolerating work, but kids would put me over the edge.

Ivy the Goober said...

I had a dream last night that you stopped in to Dallas on your way to San Antonio and we all had drinks together, and Huw, you were smashing things up in my house! I was still cleaning up and finding broken things long after you'd gotten back to your plane for the next part of your journey. I woke up mad at you, but I realize now it was just a dream. Or a premonition?

Rob West said...

Perhaps my favorite part of this is the fact that it happens at 1:00 Wednesday afternoon. It's quarter to ten in the morning here in the East Coast of the U.S. Which means none of this has actually happened yet.

That's not going to help your hangover, though.

AnonymousCoworker said...

Ankle-biting germ-factories.

Mary said...

Did they start spinning around in the chair? That could keep them occupied for a while. Although it may not help your hangover. Little rude leaving the kids in your office, did you at least know the person well? And if so, have you offended her in some way recently and this is payback?

Daniel said...

Consider yourself lucky that it's the shortest day...

Cheri said...

*giggling* Didn't you know not to make eye contact with small children or dogs? You may be stuck with them for a while.
I can't believe their parent LEFT them there though. I'd never do that.

Print a coloring page off and tell them to go see their Mom (or Dad) for colors... although then they might be back for more pages...

Curly said...

You should have just directed a perverted smile at the adult.

And stop getting into peoples dreams.

Kitchen Witch said...

Ah yes, that scary 'children at work' thing. Not good, is it? I mean, they're bored to tears, you're under strange infant scrutiny, and let's face it, the spinning chair is definitely for it. Honestly.

Chris Cope said...

Here's the thing I learned about children last week: They have such short attention spans that they don't remember your attempts to ignore them. The best way to get them to leave is to try to teach them something useful. If you know even a few phrases in another language, you can vanquish the children by trying to teach them said language.
"Would you guys like to know how to say 'hello' in Welsh?"
Poof. They will be gone.

deanne said...

You should have charged her for babysitting, you could have made yourself a little something extra for the holidays.

Afe said...

All children must be punished immediately.

mona said...

I want the squidgy model brain...

y-vonne said...

Now imagine that in the sanctity of your home...with no escape route... and the squidgy brain and placebos spread all over the carpet. Feels a little like home to me...

Anonymous said...

The scheme of trying to teach them a foreign language works indeed – Chris is right - If you don’t mind here I include a list of Spanish words that you might use next time they or some other children show up in you office:
Casa (house)
Mar (sea)
Árbol (tree)
¿Por qué no se van con mami o papi? (Why don’t you go with mummy or daddy?