Tuesday, October 04, 2005

A Water Bath For The Body & Soul

I love my Sunday Bath. Sundays as a whole are pretty disappointing I find, especially since Monarch Of The Glen finished, but my Sunday Bath just about rescues it from the depressing pit Sunday otherwise is. During the week I'm a showers man: far too busy for all that lying around in baths nonsense. Well, OK, not strictly true, more a case of poor organisation and slap dash timekeeping on my part than actual business to attend to per se, but nonetheless baths are limited to my Sunday.



My weekly wallow is a special time, but every now and again it is less than satisfying: somehow it gets spoilt. As was the case this weekend. I had just got settled and was tuning my ears into those peculiar underwater acoustics one's bath does so well when my bladder, seemingly having its memory prompted by all this fluid splashing about in its immediate surroundings, started demanding that it be emptied. Well, I'm fully aware that all you readers are fine upstanding citizens to a man, so I'm sure like me you never under any circumstances piss in the bath (I consider it something akin to going on a running machine, doughnut in one hand and fag in the other). But of course, then one is posed with the strain placed on the prostate should one remain prone (and, of course, continuing to resist contaminating oneself), or the sheer awfulness of leaving a good bath halfway through. In this case, my prostate drew the short straw.

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. Despite everything, I told myself, I am enjoying my Sunday Bath. And then? Then I started to hear my phone ring. Typical: I go for days without any bugger calling me, and then as soon as I step in the bath? I was expecting work to call me at some stage and it wasn't really a call I should miss, but I remained resolute. It was my Sunday Bath after all. Soon they rang off. But of course, it can't be that simple. My answerphone service repeatedly phones me after someone has left a message until I listen to it. And so, my phone began ringing, and ringing, over, and over.

Damn it. I submerged myself, determined to block out a world so heartless that it would disturb a man's Sunday Bath. Of course, I wasn't factoring in The Voices. Sure enough, in that echoey underwater solace, they came out to play.

"Jeez Huw, how much do you need a piss right now?"
"You really should check what that call was about, eh?"
"Where'd all the bubbles go anyway?"
"Can you really hold that in any longer? I mean, really?"
"They left a message, it must have been pretty important."
"You're bursting aren't you?"
"Who'd be calling you, you loser?"
"Hey, listen to this! 'Psssssssss, splash!!!! Tinkle! Drip Drip.... Ahhhhhhh....'..."
"Hoots! When is a new series of Monarch of the Glen going to start, laddy?"
"Wee Wee Wee Wee Wee Wee Wee Wee Wee!"

Oh alright you bastards, I cursed, I'm getting out.

I'll admit, going to the potty felt good, but once I'd trundled downstairs and picked up my phone I saw the call was from my mother.
Unngaaaah, Muuuuum, I teenaged to myself, Leave me alone!

I listened to the message.

"Huw, it's your Mother," spake Mother. "I was hoping to get hold of you, to see how you are. Seeing as you never call."

Unnngaaah, stop nagging meeeee!

"So, if you could please call us. Or email us. Or.... Or we'll have to start reading your blog."

Aiiiieeee! Don't do that!!! I write all sorts of weird shit in there! OK, OK, I'll call you... Jeez!


************************************

Go UK! Woooooo!

12 comments:

Afe said...

There is no way in hell I'd get out of the bath for a phone call. But a piss is another story.

Monica said...

My favorite is Londoners on bicycles, huffing and puffing away, then trying not to lose balance as they light their cig.

deanne said...

I'm a shower girl through and through - strangely, I'm too impatient to lie around in the tub, but yet I'll happily stand in the shower for forty minutes (I've been known to lie down IN the shower - thank you for shower-over-bath-combos - when I'm exceedingly hungover, and pretend I'm in a rainforest).

Curly said...

It's a phenomenon similar to 'Sods law'. Once you ender the bath, 'Suds law' takes over - it only occurs here as you're far more relaxed and comfortable than usual. Then something terrible happens, like mothers threatening to read your blog... or, to a lesser extent, a new series of Monarch of the Glen is commencing.

Jona said...

I like a long hot soak too - but what are you thinking getting in the bath without peeing first?! Tsk, amateur!

I sympathise with the mom thing - we love them to bits, but they never call at the right time ;o)

Matthew said...

Sunday's can be disappointing if one considers that the weekend is drawing to a close and another five-day week is right around the corner. The fact that one must go to school or work the next day is always in the back of the mind... if one must go to school or work the next day.

Lanette said...

I have a *thing* with baths.

To me, a bath makes me feel like I'm bathing in my own filth. After all, isn't that where I shower to get the day's dirt off of me? Isn't that where my feet, caked with bits of dirt and hair (as I'm not prone to wearing shoes when I don't have to) are cleansed? For some reason, even the bubbliest of bubble baths cannot erase those thought from my head.

If I clean the tub beforehand, scrub with all my might, when I'm sitting in the bath, all My Voices say to me is: "So...you THINK you cleaned the tub, but what of all the chemical residue? Hmmm? How do you like swimming in bleach? You'll not come out clean, but with a skin irritation from all the products you used GETTING the tub clean. Tsk."

And then...a bath is a great deal more of a job than a relaxing event for me. I go through the trouble of cleaning, getting the water temperature just right, adding the bubble solution, finding my duckie, just to find I've submerged myself into a bath that's entirely too hot and lacking in the proper amount of bubbles. But I've spent so much TIME on this bath, I whine to myself, I HAVE to stay in it at least 10 minutes.

6 minutes pass and I'm near fainting because it's so hot. So, decidedly, I get out, only to find I'm somehow sweaty (in water?) and covered in slimy bubbles. What's next for me?

A shower. It always goes back to a shower.

Maybe I've just not have a proper bath drawn. Maybe if someone drew it for me...?

(this comment was ENTIRELY too long, sorry D)

emaleejayne said...

Lanette, I could have written that comment myself!

Of course, I also suffer from a horrible case of I-hate-to-put-my-butt-on-the-bottom-of-the-tub syndrome. Just thinking about it now makes me cringe.

Lanette said...

Ah, a kindred spirit! Good to know there are more people like me out *there*. I usually get funny/dirty looks when I say I don't like baths. Meh.

frogma said...

That's a slightly misleading link at the end. I'm not expert in carbon dioxide emissions but I do know that making a top 30 list doesn't mean a lot.

For starters why a top 30 not a top 10 or 20? If it was a top 10 we'd not be in it and a top 20 we'd still look a lot better.

Next, CO2 per Kwh is not a good measurement unless you are purely measuring the efficiency of the staion. Although the article - after all the nice graphics and headlines and at the bottom of the page - does say that they are inefficient the overall impression is that there is an excessive amount of polution being caused. A better measurement would be annual emissions as this would filter out the low production stations.

It's also unfair to only look at Europe. If add US emissions data (http://tinyurl.com/7gnhf) to the list then only 4 of the top 30 are in Europe and the UK doesn't appear until position 268. And this is only adding the US, what about adding China or LED countries?

AND... you'll notice that France does not have an entry, this is because amlost 80% of its power comes from nuclear energy and there is a strong argument that this is not a good thing.

I *hate* deliberately misleading data.

Hi by the way.

Huw said...

I think the USA and China were left off because it was a list of the Top 30 Polluting European Stations. As far I know, none of the stations located in the USA and China are actually in Europe. An oversight.

That was a quick message from My Thoughts Exactly's new sponsor BHP Billiton by the way readers.

frogma said...

Oooooh, I like a bit of fight in the wilfully mislead :) I know that this is a chart which displays the stats for European nations, but that's kind of missing-the-point, I was only passing comment on the missuse of statistics for comercial (or charitable) gain. I don't see how you can look at that table and believe that it proves or shows anything.
However, I am chuffed that I seem to have been dedicated a headline today, maybe I should start my own blog; a kind of anti misleading datablog. http://www.examinethedatadontjustreadtheheadlines.com
That doesn't exist BTW
Love you