I went to a sex clinic today. I mean one that does STI screenings by the way, not sex changes. Don’t worry though readers, I don’t have any symptoms or suspicions, nor do I have any outlandish perverse behaviour to report. My visit was purely so I could definitely be In The Know.
I’d never had any of The Tests done before, so you can perhaps understand that there was a touch of apprehension and embarrassment on my part. And remember lady readers, most men are unfamiliar with ever having their genitals thoroughly examined. At least in a clinical scenario that is. So it was that last night I mentioned my planned outing to a friend as a means of easing my burden.
“Oh wow!” she exclaimed. “That’s such a coincidence! I had all mine done for the first time last week! The one for Tufnell Parkers. Is that where you’re going?”
“Indeed. Are they…. gentle?” I enquired tentatively.
“Good lord. They made me feel like a right slapper! It’s a very weird experience all round,” she warned me, cackling.
As it turned out that the one for Tufnell Parkers was chocka (there must be a lot of clap in N7), so instead I headed into town where I knew there was a no-appointment-necessary walk in clinic. Now, maybe I’m a bit of a snob, but I associate the term ‘walk in’, in any scenario, with the destitute and the mentally unstable so I was pleasantly surprised to find my co-waiting room dwellers were not outwardly looney. By this stage I’d become resigned to my fate and no longer felt particularly embarrassed or nervous, and passed away the time trying not to make eye-contact and reading one of the many chlamydia pamphlets scattered around (which I soon hastily put back down again, not wanting to be presumed guilty by association). And so, when I was finally called through to be examined I was actually looking forward to getting it all over with.
“As you may know Mr Huw,” the consultant said to me, as he guided me down the corridor towards the examination room, “this is a teaching hospital, and so there is a medical student who will sit in on this examination, if that’s okay with you.”
“Oh yeah, I suppose. The more the merrier, eh?” I said, pushing open the door to the room he was gesturing to.
“Ha ha! Bloody hell! How are you?” I laughed having entered the room, my amusement just edging out my mortification. The medical student looked up and then froze.
“Oh my God.” She gasped.
“Well, I’m not sure you should sit in on this one. Ethics and the likes.” I said.
“God! No! No, I can’t!” she said, rising out of her chair quickly, scrabbling at and spilling some of her papers on her rush to the door.
“What’s going on here?” asked the puzzled consultant.
“I know him! I know him!” called the medical student over her rapidly retreating shoulder. The consultant looked at me, and cocked a quizzical eyebrow. I adopted a raffish and enigmatic smile and shrugged.
“If you could drop your jeans and underwear Mr Huw,” he said, snapping on a rubber glove.
The grin drained from my face.
"It's a small world, Mr Huw," he said, as he crouched in front of me. "Yes, Very, very....... Small."