Friday, October 07, 2005

A Testing Time

I went to a sex clinic today. I mean one that does STI screenings by the way, not sex changes. Don’t worry though readers, I don’t have any symptoms or suspicions, nor do I have any outlandish perverse behaviour to report. My visit was purely so I could definitely be In The Know.

I’d never had any of The Tests done before, so you can perhaps understand that there was a touch of apprehension and embarrassment on my part. And remember lady readers, most men are unfamiliar with ever having their genitals thoroughly examined. At least in a clinical scenario that is. So it was that last night I mentioned my planned outing to a friend as a means of easing my burden.
“Oh wow!” she exclaimed. “That’s such a coincidence! I had all mine done for the first time last week! The one for Tufnell Parkers. Is that where you’re going?”
“Indeed. Are they…. gentle?” I enquired tentatively.
“Good lord. They made me feel like a right slapper! It’s a very weird experience all round,” she warned me, cackling.

As it turned out that the one for Tufnell Parkers was chocka (there must be a lot of clap in N7), so instead I headed into town where I knew there was a no-appointment-necessary walk in clinic. Now, maybe I’m a bit of a snob, but I associate the term ‘walk in’, in any scenario, with the destitute and the mentally unstable so I was pleasantly surprised to find my co-waiting room dwellers were not outwardly looney. By this stage I’d become resigned to my fate and no longer felt particularly embarrassed or nervous, and passed away the time trying not to make eye-contact and reading one of the many chlamydia pamphlets scattered around (which I soon hastily put back down again, not wanting to be presumed guilty by association). And so, when I was finally called through to be examined I was actually looking forward to getting it all over with.

“As you may know Mr Huw,” the consultant said to me, as he guided me down the corridor towards the examination room, “this is a teaching hospital, and so there is a medical student who will sit in on this examination, if that’s okay with you.”
“Oh yeah, I suppose. The more the merrier, eh?” I said, pushing open the door to the room he was gesturing to.

“Ha ha! Bloody hell! How are you?” I laughed having entered the room, my amusement just edging out my mortification. The medical student looked up and then froze.
“Oh my God.” She gasped.
“Well, I’m not sure you should sit in on this one. Ethics and the likes.” I said.
“God! No! No, I can’t!” she said, rising out of her chair quickly, scrabbling at and spilling some of her papers on her rush to the door.
“What’s going on here?” asked the puzzled consultant.
“I know him! I know him!” called the medical student over her rapidly retreating shoulder. The consultant looked at me, and cocked a quizzical eyebrow. I adopted a raffish and enigmatic smile and shrugged.
“If you could drop your jeans and underwear Mr Huw,” he said, snapping on a rubber glove.
The grin drained from my face.
"It's a small world, Mr Huw," he said, as he crouched in front of me. "Yes, Very, very....... Small."

21 comments:

Thomas said...

Isn't ignorance bliss though?

deanne said...

HA! Ohhh that was amusing.

It must be the time of year for it, as I've got an appointment in the next couple of weeks.

At least you didn't get told you had a "dainty cervix" and have the nurse go get another nurse to have a look.

Cheryl said...

Hahahaha
I NEEDED to cry laughing. You have no idea how much. THANK YOU!!!!

:-D

Carmi said...

I'm typing slowly because I need to wipe the tears of laughter away from my eyes.

No wonder I hate hospitals!

I'm back from Michele's tonight...

gekke mum said...

michelle sent me - how mortifying!

Me Over Here said...

Such a story-teller. Well done, Brit, well done.

Hale McKay said...

LOL - great post! I know it probably wasn't too funny at the time for you. Isn't it the truth we can bare or souls to a friend but it has to be stranger that we bare our bodies to!
...(and thanks for the visit over at my place)I'll be back to read some more of your posts.

Jona said...

Lol, don't you just love life's little jokes?!

Karen said...

Hi Mr. Huw. Really clever post. You Brits have a fascinating way with words.

Greetings from Wisconsin.

Oh yes, Michele sent me...

Theresa said...

I am not laughing at the 'very small' because that you be wrong. *giggle*

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, if he put "small" on your chart, I am sure he also entered: "potential for growth." I mean, if the acquaintance who is a girl is going to see it, this is the least he could have done...

anna said...

Hey, I finally traipsed over to your blog, c/o the link on Me Over Here's site, and looky the entry I happen upon! So funny and well-written, and besides the sharp magazine-article ending, I can't get enough of the brit slang! Right slapper!

Bit of amusement: as you may know, I'm in Israel right now--so when you wrote, "Are they...gentle?" I read, "Are they...gentile?" And my mind starting racing, like, Is this a circumcision joke? Would Gentiles know better how to handle-oh wait, it says gentle.

Shane said...

I don't get it. How did she know you? And why did she run away? And what's ethics?

Curly said...

Cracking post my man!

But as Shane asked, how did you know her? Hope she wasn't the last one... was she?

I had a girl try chatting me up whilst waiting for one of those tests, I had to explain that perhaps this wasn't the best arena for that kind of thing.

Lanette said...

YAY for the picture!

emaleejayne said...

I cant see myself getting checked out just for the fun of it. The required annual check up is enough for me!

Pat said...

Sorry to be dumb but whst was the examination for? Not just a sizing surely? Everybody knows that doesn't matter.

y-vonne said...

What the??? I am thinking I will stick to Canadian sex. Less need for doctor's visits. Ick - too much information...

;-0

Ms Mac said...

OMG! What a beamer! Totally ace story, well done.

Claire said...

That's hilarious...although probably not so much for you!

Surviving Online Dating said...

I needed a laugh. Thanks.