Saturday, October 29, 2005

Cow Juice

Hello everyone. Well, I’m about to begin. A measuring jug has been purchased along with the milk, which is just on the side now adjusting to room temperature: the reason being that I suspect my own body temperature wouldn’t appreciated a gallon of quite cold milk being ingested so swiftly.

I haven’t had anything but a single olive to eat or drink since about midnight last night, so have fasted for about 15 hours. In truth, I am quite hungry and feeling a little dehydrated now so am actually looking forward to getting started. I’d spent a while deciding what the best preparation might be, and fasting eventually won over my other plan to eat dry cereal and salty nuts so as to make me thirsty and give my stomach a bit of lining: I figured my tummy would be full enough. I do however have some chocolate chip cookies on hand, just in case they are needed. I’d also contemplated going to the gym this morning for a brisk 4-mile Nordic Ski sans fluid intake, but have decided my body will be going through enough today as it is.

I imagine what I am about to undertake is quite Frat Boy-esque. I was never a Frat Boy myself. We don’t really do that sort of thing here – or at least, we don’t go to the effort of bothering to put a name or silly handshakes to it – but nonetheless I thought it would be befitting to don my University of London t-shirt. Go school! Furthermore, it’s quite a loose fit, and seeing as, barring any significant toilet visits, I’ll be a good 8-pounds heavier once this lot is inside me that might be of help.

Okay, so I’m about to begin. Not only do I have PhDing masterminds like Shane Wexford and Monica assessing my every move, but it also seems I’ve recently picked up a reader from the LSE: clearly some of Britain’s true academic powerhouses are watching to see the outcome of this task keenly. The pressure is mounting.


The first 2-litres, ready to pour
Wish me luck.

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15.35 Okay! Official start time! Like I said, I’m thirsty, so this is kinda nice…

15.38 First pint finished. See? I was thirsty! I will pace myself from here on.

15.44 Well, that's the first litre down. Time for a cookie.

15.51 First burp...

15.59
OK, that's two litres down. I am beginning to feel quite full.

16.00 Dee - thanks for all that talk of curdling and vomit. It is a great help.

16.04 Looking at my measuring jug, I'd say that 3.8 litres takes up the same space as a basketball. Blimey.

16.06 Looking at my now taught tummy, I'd say it is considerabley smaller than a basketball. I wonder what the implications of this might be...?

16.08 I am starting to shiver. Now, although I kept the milk out of the fridge for an hour or so, it is still fairly chilled. Maybe it's just that the flat is chilly? Either way, I am putting on a jumper.

16.12 Dear me. Am beginning to feel sick. And there is still 1.5 litres to go. Crap.

16.14 A burp just brought a splash of milk back up to my mouth. Fear not: I swallowed.

16.17 This is actually quite painful in a hard to describe way. In between slurps I am hunched over. Currently, I would not recommend you try this.

16.24 My bowels just let out a little rumble, and suddenly I found myself needing a sit-down toilet. I was delighted: room was being made. However, having got to the toilet I found nothing was coming out. Aware that I was losing milk-drinking time, I left the toilet. And yet, I still need to go. Feels very uncomfortable.

16.29 With about 5 minutes to go, I have less than half a litre to finish. But I just... can't... drink it...

16.32 Ok, decision time! What do I do? Try and finish within the hour, or see if I can finish the gallon and not worry about the time so much? The task was within the hour wasn't it? Oh, I can't remember anymore, but that's what I am going for. Don't think I can though.

16.43 Ok, well... with a minute to go, I was just contemplating the final half pint when it became vitally important I got to the toilet. It was actually quite pleasant and effortless being sick - I'm normally quite a loud and forceful vomiter, and it usually takes a lot out of me (and bursts the tiny blood vessels round my eyes making me look like I've been beaten up) - and I feel so much better now. This wasn't out of control or anything, and not a great deal came up: certainly less than a litre. Phew. Well, it would appear it is indeed impossible for me to drink a US Gallon of Milk in Under an Hour. And so much for me keeping it down for half an hour afterwards! I need a cookie.


I was this close

24 comments:

deanne said...

Oh man. I might puke just thinking about it.

deanne said...

Also, I like how you're using a Grolsch pint glass - I find that amusing for some reason.

I take it you're doing this challenge in an easy to clean area, with "wipe down" surfaces? Like say, the bathroom? The shower? I mean, milk nauseates me a little anyway, but you know once it hits your stomach it curdles, so when it comes back up - wheeeeeew boy, the STINK.

That's one odor you don't want stuck in your carpet - thrown up curdled milk.

Nice.

Jona said...

16:25 You could sit on the toilet whilst you drink? (Not nice I know, but if needs must ;o))

Jona said...

WHAT??!! You're giving up? Hey, I'm sitting here waiting for the results! Take a minute out, and then get back to it!

Jona said...

Well done, Huw! Bloody good effort :o)

deanne said...

Hee! You're welcome!

Rob said...

Bloody hell.

I'm impressed you made it as far as you did to be honest.

But I get the blood-vessel thing too after barfing. You are not alone.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well done, good and faithful servant to science. Oh so close, yet so far away....

emaleejayne said...

Dommage!

(I'm glad I didnt have to look at any gross pictures though. I was quite afraid to check for todays update!)

Meredith said...

I think this may have been the best post ever. It is also high up on the list of most stomch-churning post ever!

zilla said...

Man, I was really hoping you could coomplete the task, but it was still quite entertaining to read about it! I'm glad you didn't get to sick. Maybe you should try it again next week and see what happens ;)

Ivy the Goober said...

Wow, at least you tried. I would have been perfectly happy to just go on believing it couldn't be done :)

Mary said...

Well done, you almost made it! I love that you added pictures.

Thanks for the entertainment. :)

Chris Cope said...

This is a win-win situation for science. I am thoroughly impressed by how close you got, and equally pleased that you did not die.

Cheekysquirrel said...

OK I need to know, all this talk of litres etc. How many pints did you need to drink?

I love to drink milk, i'm wondering if this is something I could say hah I could do it where others have failed.

Afe said...

Good effort. You have put your body on the line for a bunch of strangers on the internet. Next: The cheese challenge.

Dave Morris said...

I should have warned you, a friend of mine (who is far better equipped stomach-capacity-wise) attempted this and failed a couple of years ago.

This is a story to tell your grandchildren! Provided the calcium influx doesn't clog your urethra rendering you unable to reproduce.

Curly said...

A very well done to you, Huw? What did you do with the remaining milk? That's enough for about five cups of tea right there.

deanne said...

I bet it was stinky when you threw it up...

*bleeurrrrgh* I can hardly bear to think about it.

Shane said...

I gauge a sense of well-documented rigour here. Huw, your credibility is raised. I congratulate you. Had this been your ultimate downfall (see Chris' comment), we would have ensured that your 16:24 comment was your epitaph.

And now, for confirming your credibility...?

AnonymousCoworker said...

You did a damn fine job, and finished more than most people would ever want to attempt. Congratulations.

Chris said...

I am thoroughly impressed. I can't even claim to like "milk" even though I drink it just about every night - thanks in large part to the white water known as SKIM!

Okay...stop pointing fingers! I said stop!

I've often wondered, who in the hell looked at a cow's teats and thought, "Hey, good idea, I'll drink whatever comes out of those!" A brave soul braver than my own.

Kudos!

Spinning Girl said...

Wow.
I don't think people were meant to drink the lactations of other animals.
Don't get me wrong, me likey me milkey...it's just...well...imagine drinking a whole gallon straight from the cow mama?
Ew.

Astrid said...

Well, you were brave in trying and I love the pictures. You are a cutie, Huw! Now how strong do your bones feel these days after all the milk?