Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Turfing Troubles

As I write, I’ve just finished performing surgery on the Lynnes’ Flymo Strimmer jobby. Not as a favour or anything. No, the Lynnes’ Flymo Strimmer is in my possession, a long-term loan due to the fact that I have a small lawn whereas they have a patio. Upon moving into my current flat last summer the grass was knee high, and one of the Lynne’s immediately set about me, telling me how the Brazilians who’d lived there previously had never tended to the lawn, and it was then that the long term loan deal was mooted. The chap in me who sees the best in people would say this was a nice neighbourly gesture. The cynic in me would suggest this was the first of the continued attempts of the Lynnes to impose their will onto the running of my household.

Either way, it’s been a handy loan; good for, you know, strimming lawns or dispersing unwelcome gatherings of children. But today, as I set to the grass and weeds there was a mighty judder, and instead of purring like a tiger as it should it began growling like a wounded hyena. As it began its shrieks of protest, I realised I had to bustle it indoors quickly: it was a certainty that my decision to strim the lawn had been taken note of next door, and the cacophony currently being emitted would undoubtedly lead to curtain twitching.

Rushing indoors, I swept everything on the dining table aside and established the Flymo’s vitals. Having identified a sizeable piece of metal loose within the strimmer, I realised I’d have to operate. I’m not a hugely technical person, certainly not acquainted with garden machinery maintenance, but this was an emergency. I also had to endure the onlooking Housemate Reggae’s schadenfreude. The fucker.

Having seemingly reattached the loose piece of metal to somewhere that looked as though it could do with it, I pieced the disassembled Flymow back together and took it outside for a test. Still the same screeching sound. I rushed indoors and held my head in my hands. I’d tried everything I could, but the Flymo Stimmer hadn’t made it.

This is bloody typical for me. Things break - it’s a fundamental of our consumer lifestyle - but why is it they always break when I’m using them? I can’t tell the Lynnes about this; I can imagine the woe-begone speech I will have to endure…

“That was my late father’s Flymo, he bought it in 1983. It was my last remaining link to him, and now you’ve severed it!”

But also, I have to bear in mind that any failure on my part not to maintain my lawn satisfactorily won’t go unnoticed either. A dilemma.

9 comments:

y-vonne said...

Drop it in a dumpster and tell them it must have been stolen. Yeah, that is a much more solid approach than say, taking it in for servicing :-). Damn lowlifes ... always pilfering aging lawn mowers....

Shane said...

Y-vonne's suggestion is highly unethical. It's based on spreading untruths, deceiving Lynnes and driving a wedge through the heart of our community. It's just not right. Having given your dilemma considerable thought for several minutes I'm led to believe that there's simply no other option but to suggest that there's no other way out for you. So, unethical it is!

Good luck!

Lanette said...

Mostly due to my not-so-keen understanding of context clues, it took me until about the 3 paragraph or so to realize you were talking about a weed eater. I promise, I'm NOT stupid...

y-vonne said...

uh...did you say weed ... that should get you any number of google hits, my friend ... add some porn references and you are in!

deanne said...

Just play mind games on her, and tell her you gave it back to her ages ago.

And if she says "But I heard you using it!" say it must have been a neighbour.

Lie through your teeth, and see how far you can take it!

If she starts to cotton on or look suspicious, distract her by "readjusting your package" as you did in a previous post.

Curly said...

I'd agree with the "It's been stolen" too.

As for the situation with the lawn over-growing, cover it with black plastic bags and/or grass killer - no need to mow it at all!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Let me suggest a pair of hand-powered garden shears. Surely you could clip the lawn with those in 4-5 days. And these things are unbelievably quiet.

I am here at the suggestion of Shane, who contends your site is good value for no money. I will have to agree, even though it tends to give him the big head.

Monica said...

I mean, unless you were using it to saw the tops off of tin cans, it's surely not your fault metal got randomly jammed in.

Huw said...

Having spoken to my mother - she who I turn to in the most trying of times - it would seem hand-powered garden shears and a 2am shearing program is the way forward.