Saturday, June 18, 2005

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

The ground floor flats on my estate, one of which is mine, have small individual gardens behind which lay large communal gardens for the use of all the residents. Last night, my back door was open and I noticed there was a bit of a social gathering going on outside and so, because I am a very sad individual with no better place to be on a Friday night, I went outside to say hello.

Now the neighbours one side next door are two busybody ladies in their fifties of whom I have been unable to establish the exact nature of their relationship. What I can reveal is that they are both pretty butch and brilliantly they are both called Lynne. One of the two is much more friendly than the other (the other famously attempted to storm one of our houseparties that was going on too loud and late for her liking, and was booed out of the house by the whole party congregation of 70 or so people in a most humiliating way), and I approached this friendly one to say hello and realised just too late she was absolutely steaming drunk. She draped herself over me and planted a very wet kiss right on the inside of my ear (and so it was pretty loud too). I did my best not to outwardly cringe or gag as I was enveloped in her bingowings, but it would seem she was too pissed to notice anyway, and she then insisted I came and joined them for a beer. For the next hour I was treated to one of the more awkward displays of drunkenness you could hope for. She was at the stage where her head kept drooping and she was struggling to finish any sentence with anything more than a slurred “fucks sake” and dismissive wave of the hand. She also felt that it was highly important that we resolved two highly minor disputes we’d previously had in that undignified and overly earnest way the drunk often do, namely over the poor state of my back lawn (she wants me to returf it! It’s my bloody lawn woman!) and the hardcore bass from my banging tunes (which may or may not be a fair one). So much so, she brought each one up 3 times.

I managed to make my escape when the other one started making noises about wanting to bed and giving the friendly one meaningful looks.


Lanette said...

Boy, would I have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall at that shindig.

And I'll have to side with the butches on the "re-turfing" issue. Who are you to have un-tidy landscaping, Swanky, really? Tsk, tsk.

And you know you loved that sloppy DREAM about it, and long for its next occurrance. I'm sorry to say that, given the state of their ambiguous sexual nature, it may take a few brewskis to get the job done.

Well done, dear boy, well done.

Shane said...

I challenge you to unearth 3 'revelations' about the two Lynnes. Suggestion: approach HappyDrunkLynne under the proviso of seeking turf advice, then, allow talk to lapse into such matters as:-

Which of you tends your lawn?
How long have you lived here?
Do you - The Two Lynnes - ever steal out in the dead of night in order to cavort, unclad, in a most jigglesome manner on your well-tended lawn?...

You know, that sort of thing.

ASHTRAY said...

Nice Ladies!!!

Huw said...

The addition of the two Lynnes (maybe they should be referred to as The Lynne, a la Star Trek?) to my neverending life story seems to have been a fairly popular development.

Therefore, I shall endeavour to keep you all abreast with developments over nextdoor's fence with a new regular feature Sappho & Sappho

deanne said...

Mraaah, that just makes me cringe (the kiss on your ear - not because it's YOUR ear you understand, but because of her sweaty bingowings - ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww)!