The ground floor flats on my estate, one of which is mine, have small individual gardens behind which lay large communal gardens for the use of all the residents. Last night, my back door was open and I noticed there was a bit of a social gathering going on outside and so, because I am a very sad individual with no better place to be on a Friday night, I went outside to say hello.
Now the neighbours one side next door are two busybody ladies in their fifties of whom I have been unable to establish the exact nature of their relationship. What I can reveal is that they are both pretty butch and brilliantly they are both called Lynne. One of the two is much more friendly than the other (the other famously attempted to storm one of our houseparties that was going on too loud and late for her liking, and was booed out of the house by the whole party congregation of 70 or so people in a most humiliating way), and I approached this friendly one to say hello and realised just too late she was absolutely steaming drunk. She draped herself over me and planted a very wet kiss right on the inside of my ear (and so it was pretty loud too). I did my best not to outwardly cringe or gag as I was enveloped in her bingowings, but it would seem she was too pissed to notice anyway, and she then insisted I came and joined them for a beer. For the next hour I was treated to one of the more awkward displays of drunkenness you could hope for. She was at the stage where her head kept drooping and she was struggling to finish any sentence with anything more than a slurred “fucks sake” and dismissive wave of the hand. She also felt that it was highly important that we resolved two highly minor disputes we’d previously had in that undignified and overly earnest way the drunk often do, namely over the poor state of my back lawn (she wants me to returf it! It’s my bloody lawn woman!) and the hardcore bass from my banging tunes (which may or may not be a fair one). So much so, she brought each one up 3 times.
I managed to make my escape when the other one started making noises about wanting to bed and giving the friendly one meaningful looks.
5 weeks ago